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Is your family toxic?
Family & Parenting / 10:36 AM - Friday July 03, 2009

Is your family toxic?

I have came to the conclusion that my Dad is an A-hole. All my life I have wanted his approval and love and never felt as if I have rec'd either. I grew up in a home where my Father was mentally and occasionally physically abusive to my Mother. The older I get the more I resent him.

How do you cut toxic people from your life? and how do you just "get over it" and move on?

- Asked by darkflower73, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35

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You get on with your life by disconnecting from the family members you resent. You will "get over it" when you get all the poisons out of your system and are able to stop dwelling on the past. Once you do it, you will see how easy it is to surround your life with ONLY positive people. Its an unfortunate situation, a challenge that life throws us, but in the long run, this challenge will make you a better and stronger person.

- Response by 3wiltedroses, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Family ties are sup to be strong, But my family is full of shallow assholes so i realized a long time ago im better without them......Ya know what im happier that way too..

- Response by babygirlstar81, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, New York, Self-Employed

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Move far, far away from them. Worked for me and I should have known better than to go back.

- Response by snowbear08, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Who Cares?

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My hubby has detached himself from his father, he was a very mean man. He will still talk to his brothers and sisters but after his mother passed away he has just stopped talking to or seeing him. As for getting over it the only thing I can tell you is sometimes therapy will work if you let it, but you have to be willing to do so.

- Response by nikki_coffman, Female, 36-45, Managerial

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with family it's hard if the toxic person is a family memeber. but for me the toxic people that were in ym life i just detached myself from them and stopped all contact.
As for your father i think that the issues u are having with him are something u need to try to work through. u have always wanted from him to verbally validate your worth to him. but I'm sure that he loves u. U also have to look at his life or his life print becasue if he didn't have someone who gave him positive energy growing up then he doesn't know how to give it.
So i say reach out to your father in a non threatning way be the bigger person and try and work through the "stuff". U don't want him to die and then u look back and think..."i wish i had did this or said this". uwe can't pick our parents or our families but they are the fabric of who we are as people.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

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I grew up in the same situation with my father. I think the first step is to learn to forgive. I did and my father and I have a great relationship now, he still gets cranky but hes old, they all do, lol. My father was always stressed, and didnt really know how to express his feelings. we didnt cry, we didnt talk about our feelings, or anything that has to do with it, I didnt even really know what happened to me when I "started", and was talking to my mom about it one day when he came home from work and he freaked out, it made him uncomfortable. If he wasnt at work, he was drinking, he would be abusive but never toward me and my brother, but it still left scars. I even wounded up in an abisive relationship. just think about how life was for him when u were little, and his childhood, search for the answers if u have to, but dont carry this burden with u anymore. whats done is done and u cant change it, so try to move on. I hope I could help

- Response by kaysav10, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, Home Maker

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You are right your Dad doesn't deserve your respect or the title Dad after being abusive to your mother. You do cut toxic people and you stop the cycle by not allowing abuse to you or your children. Usually you need help to get over an abusive childhood. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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If Freud is right about most things and you do completely sever communication, the odds will be in favor of you falling for a guy just like your father. All those negative feelings will have no outlet in his absense and subconsciously you'll choose a relationship with an abuser as a means of having a justified outlet for those pent-up emotions.

The truth here is that you'll never get over it without confronting the issue. Your resentment for your father will keep growing and surface later on in life over and over again, making the issues you face in the relationships you choose to have even harder to work through.

Have you tried to confront him about the feelings of resentment you have? Sometimes you never know - he may be at a point in his life where's he's trying to face his own demons, but not making any progress on his own. I'm not really sure what to say as far as seeking his love at this point, but now - rather than seeking his approval, show him you deserve respect. The most upfront way to do that is to completely honest with how you feel about him, the past, everything. If he's still an abuser no progress will be made in any type of raltionship with him, but at least you'll have a lot off of your chest and be able to move on in a healthy manner.

You simply cannot just bury the type of feelings you have. At the very least, it's worth a try. If he's unresponsive to being confronted about the past and how it's still affecting you, then I would suggest finding a counselor to help you work through confronting the issues on your own.

- Response by naepius, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Indianapolis, Science / Engineering

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Hard to do. Does he drink? He seems self absorbed, rather like an alcoholic. Know that you are lovable and did deserve better, but because of his experience in his life he is not able to give you what you deserve. Is he still mentally abusive to your mom? she could do with some counseling. For you, he is your dad. my best advice is to take him as he is and just lower your expectations. he doesn't know any better.

- Response by lindasoft, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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You do just that, cut him out! You won't just get over it either. If you're anything like me, I feel guilty as hell, day in and day out but I know it's for the best. For ME, the best. It sounds like you've come to that point where you're ready to accept the fact that he's an A-hole and move forward for yourself! It took me a long time to realize, YOU are what matters in this world and what YOU will make of it and yourself. Your heart will feel heavy but be strong and be happy. Good Luck!

- Response by angry04, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Philadelphia, Managerial

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You will need help to get over it and move on since this has been how you were raised and what you wanted all you life.

- Response by barbb, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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You can't move on if you don't forgive him. Perhaps he was brought up by aggressive parents, try to walk in his shoes for a while. And your mother, she let him do it, she let you see it. Try to walk in her shoes too. They are probably both victims. Try to forgive them both. Tell them how you feel now and how you felt earlier while living with them. I hope they still have some time to grow and enjoy a better life.

- Response by francoise, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Teaching

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Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I've got big complains. My dad is highly critical, and he doesn't seem so happy when I'm having achievements (long story), weird huh. Then my mom's concept of conversation is talking about my flaws, this part is too many to enumerate. I grew up with two (way older) half-sisters who are verbally abusive, one of which steals, lies, do drugs and who knows what else.

Sometimes I just wanna run away, but I don't know how. Honestly these issues have already affected my self-esteem that sometimes I don't how where to start fixing whatever it is.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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You make up your mind who is worth your time and who is not...

- Response by dambreaker, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Retired

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only part of it. my sister is warped and refuses to be part of it any more....her lose...

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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