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Question directed towards strong christians.....
Race, Religion & Politics / 8:21 PM - Tuesday November 17, 2009

Question directed towards strong christians.....

Please, this is a serious question. So please do rude comments, if you don't like this, just disregard this.

This question is directed towards strong christians.
My dad has been asking my a question that I am having a hard time answering. My parents do not get along anymore. One of the main problems is that my mother resents my dads mother. The reasons are kinda irrelevant right now. But she has lost her husband and is now living alone.
My dad is very close with his mother and my mom hates when he visits her or has any kind of contact with her. My dad is tord between helping his mother and respecting his wife. And we are confused when the Bible says to honor thy father and thy mother. He wants to honor his mother but this causes my mom to hate him and resent him and is destroying his marriage. But the Bible also says to submit to your spouse. So does anyone know where to drawt the line here? What is he supposed to do in this situation? Its like a lose lose situation. If he abandons his mother for his wife he hurts her, but if he keeps her in his life, he is making his marriage worse. Something has to give.

Thank you for any answers.

- Asked by A Creative, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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When as a child, act as a child. Without trying to be an interpreter of the Bible, I think it means as a child to honor thy father and thy mother. As we know today, that could be the people that raise you, not the biologicals. But the Bible says to leave the home and get married and multiply. Your dad should not have to make a choice even as an adult as to honoring his mother. Mother should not make demands on him, but if she needs his help, he should be there, by the same token, the wife should not keep son from mom. That creates a divide in the family values and that is not a Christian way to live.

- Response by phoenixbandit, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Columbus, Law Enforcement

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I'm not a Christian, but the same rules apply to everyone to seek healthy relationships and discourage dysfunctional ones. As an adviser to abuse victims, I have heard from several sources that Christianity does not condone parents or spouses who abuse, and that a person is not under obligation to honor them because the parents or spouse have breached the responsibilities of love in their roles.

I don't write this to say there is abuse, I write this to say that there is a line that needs to be drawn on acceptable behavior. And I wouldn't consider resenting a spouse for helping a parent to be acceptable. Go find a family counselor that everyone is comfortable with. There are some good Christian ones that your church can recommend.

Good luck! It's a tough situation.

- Response by ddegon, A Married Girl, Female, 26-28, Washington, DC

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You are doing the math from only one side of the equation. What does the Bible say about hatred and love for your fellow human being? Why aren't you asking the obvious question? What should your mother do? You need to explain to your mother the harm she is causing and ask her what Christ would expect of her? Do more than empathize with your father...deal with her, confront her, and challenge her Christianity.

Good luck.

- Response by justyourtypicalguy, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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The Bible also says that when you enter a marriage you separate yourself from your parents and forsake them for your spouse; so depending on the interpretation it could mean that the wife is more important than his mother. However, that said, you mother is unreasonable to expect that your father is going to cut off ALL ties with your grandmother just because she doesn't like her.

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 26-28, Consulting

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My lady once your married you become one flesh and one in nature and mom and dad are out of the picture and your new wife and family are the first priorty, I have see mothers in laws and just parents to married people ruin a good marrage because they cant let the apron strings go, honor thy Mother and father is for children under their rule until they leave the nest and get married and then their job is done!!Biblical!! GOD, family and the mom and dad in that order, if he is having problems with mom where are the other children(if more than one) who can help him out?? HIS family( wife and kids) must be first!!

- Response by ptawillis, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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The best answer I can give right now is that his mother is her mother-in-law, so the same honour should apply from your mother to your grandmother as does the honour from you father to your grandmother. The bible also says that parents should love their children. I think a daughter-in-law should be treated as a daughter by the mother-in-law. It seems the right way, to me.

Of course, it also seems that it is unlikely that your mother and grandmother will achieve such a relationship (though I sincerely hope that they will), so the next best thing as I see it is for your father to explain to your mother that his love for the family he was born into does not exist to take away from the love he has for the family he has created with her. It pleases God for a son to honour his parents, and for a married couple to submit to each other. I think your mother needs to submit to your father's God-given duty to love his parents, because a Christian marriage is ordained by God, not a means to get out of the life God has given to you.

- Response by ryanthegreatarj, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 18-21, Fitness

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According to the Bible, your father's first priority is his wife. The Bible specifically states that a man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. However, in doing that he still should honor his own mother. It sounds like your mother is the one who has the problem here. Even though she can't stand his mother, she still needs to allow him to have contact with her. Sounds like they need some counseling, and that your mother needs to deal with her unforgiveness.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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I don't think issue lies with your father, but moreso your mother. She is not upholding her vows! Your father should not have to choose between taking care of his mother and being a husband to his wife. He can respectfully do both. Your mother on the otherhand is disrespecting her husband by not supporting him and staying true to her vows. Sounds like mom needs a come to glory meeting with GOD!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Who Cares?

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Interesting situation. Try Ephesians 5:22 to 6:2, Timothy 5:16, Deuteronomy 26:12, Proverbs 12:4 for openers. If your parents, in particular your mom is truly a Christian many of these things apply. None of it is a matter of "if one feels like it or pick out what they like and don't like" these are pretty defined. Both husband and wifely duties and that to widows and elders and such..... nowhere in the scriptures have I read that honouring you mother and father was optional or only if you happen to like them or what have you. If your mother is strong in the faith we would not be putting your dad into this position where he needs to pick one over the other. By his Christian values he is bound to help his mom. By those same Christian values your mom is bound to backing him up on that too not putting him in such a situation. Either she is a Christian wife or she isn't. Same applies to your dad, if he is truly a Christian he must do as the bible and scriptures say and must live up to those Christian principles first and foremost. There are volumes in the bible about wives that aren't very supportive or problematic or that create such situations and those references aren't very kind....... I guess this is really a test between Christian values in a marriage and family and selfish values..... Your dad would do right by honouring his mother ESPECIALLY if she is a widow!

- Response by canajun, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Vancouver, Self-Employed

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I forgot to mention in my previous response 17:6, 23:25 and 30:17 This is all before we get into how we are supposed to treat each other as Christians....... somehow it all leads me back the that simple axiom, don unto others as you would have them do unto you.....

- Response by canajun, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Vancouver, Self-Employed

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commandment # 5 Honour thy father and thy mother;that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy GOD giveth thee.your mother should really be proud of your dad,why?a man that will go out of his way to care for his mother,since his father is no longer here to take care of her,will that same man will take care of his wife.
a man that treats his mother good,will treat his wife good.a man that treats his mother in a bad way will treat his wife badly too...
now is your mother's folks still living?i bet if the shoe was on the other foot your dad would not be mean to your mother.he would want her to take care of her mother.
we are not to turn our backs on our parents,see really you need to say this to your mother,mom would you want me to take care of you,or look in on you to see if you are okay, if something happen to dad?we only have one mother in this life when she is gone,its for a very long time.
my mother is still living my dad has passed away,and if my husband told me not to check on her,well i can get another husband,but i cant get another mother.

- Response by miss10, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Home Maker

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