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My boyfriend insists on spending holidays with his almost 20 year old twins and their mother!
Family & Parenting / 9:11 PM - Wednesday November 18, 2009

My boyfriend insists on spending holidays with his almost 20 year old twins and their mother!

My boyfriend of 6 years still insists on spending holidays with his almost 20 year old twins and their mother! At first I didn't think anything of it because 6 years ago I thought it was important for his kids to be with their parents during the holidays since they were no longer a traditional family. The kids are now going on twenty and he and his family continue to have holiday's together with his ex and they exclude me. They claim that the younger kids in his sisters family just wont understand why their aunt and uncle are no longer together and why their uncle is with someone else.

I feel so alone on the holidays and I feel like I am not important enough for him to stand his ground with his family and insist on including me as part of the family. I have never discouraged him from spending time with his kids or his family but I just don't understand why he can't give up his ex-wife during the holidays and start including me as his family now. Is this normal or am I asking for too much?

- Asked by carolcub26, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Minneapolis

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My dear, don't let it happen again this year! You are worth a lot more than sitting at home waiting until he comes back from playing happy family. I really like the idea about the u-haul. If you got the nerves, do it, if he refuses to take you along again.

Or what would be fun, too... pay back the same way. Find a very cute collegue, friend who picks you up on christmas eve before your boyfriend leaves and celebrate as much as you can.

Same rights for everybody!!

The best of luck and nerves to you. But make YOUR christmas a happy one this year! And consider dumping the man. You are not his maid...

- Response by Female, 29-35, Munich, Financial / Banking

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no excuses for excluding you. he's an adult and doesn't need to be pleasing his nieces and nephews or explaining his personal decisions. this is very disrespectful towards you on his behalf. this year, ask him to bring you along.

- Response by sexydaze, Female, 29-35, Technical

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It's not a normal thing. I can see him not giving up holidays with his kids but it should be either with you and him together or he himself with just the kids NOT his ex wife. My thinking on this is if he wanted to still do things with his ex wife then he should have stayed with her. I can understand if his kids, you and his ex wife did something together if you really get along well with her that is, that that's okay but you should never be excluded and should be the first choice in holidaying with his kids. Sounds to me like someone is still married to his ex.....

- Response by canajun, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Vancouver, Self-Employed

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Well he should allow you to come with. But if his 20 year old twins want to spend time with there Dad and Mom together there is nothing wrong with that. Yes they should include you did you every ask?

- Response by twilightzone85, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 22-25, Milwaukee, Food Service

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You know I was reading along and kind of getting this but when I got to the part where you were excluded I was so upset. I am so sorry you have to put up with this for the holidays. You deserve so much more, you deserve a boyfriend who will share the holidays with you and will work with you to include your families and his children and anyone else you are connected with - but the exwife and you're not invited, like what is up with that???????????? How would he feel if you spent Christmas with your ex and he wasn't invited??? He needs to be dumped, you need to find out if he really is indeed divorced, you need to make plans for a glorious holiday with someone who really cares about YOU!

I have a feeling this isn't the only area where you feel left out in.

Good luck and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

- Response by graziella, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Philadelphia, Medical / Dental

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No, this is not normal and no you are not asking too much.

I am not going to tell you what to do--that is up to you to decide. I can empathize with you because I had this issue with more than one guy I dated, but only during the first year or two they were divorced and with younger children.

Twenty year olds are not children. They should be able to see the life that their dad is living apart from their mother.

The younger kids in his ex-wife's family might not understand it because they have been obviously shown a pretense of togetherness for all this time that is false. Trust me, they will get over it in half a day.

Using children as an excuse to not face reality and act accordingly is very wrong. I am not saying that it is at all bad that the two parents be cordial for holidays for their own children's sake. I'm saying that doing it for OTHER people's children is absolute bullshit. And I'm saying that not balancing his holidays with YOU and his children is inexcusable by long before now.

I used to include our son's father in holidays on a limited basis before I had a significant other to share my holidays with. Then I simply encouraged our son to split his time and coordinate with both of us where he would be without conflict.

This has a LOT to do with your boyfriend's decision making and where you rate within that. That is huge in a relationship.

- Response by kdare, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Buffalo, Other Profession

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The bigger question, I would think, is: Why hasn't he married you after six years of dating?

That would bother me more than him not including you at Xmas. I think that his inability to commit to you AND his commitment to his ex-wife and children, pretty much say it all!

His heart is with them. :(

- Response by randyl, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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dump this guy in white bear lake....if he can't take you with he is not serious about you. Spend your time searching for a new guy. He must be seeing an old GF or something. Your in a big city--find another man.

- Response by kmf1, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, Indianapolis, Administrative

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He's kept you waiting on the bench for SIX YEARS... !!

He's only your "boyfriend" so there's nothing you can do if you don't like the status quo, except walk away.

Staying with him tells him "this is okay for me, I don't expect anything else." If that's not true, then you're living a lie or you're trying to change him rather than accept him like this. Neither is a good situation to live.

It is NOT too much to ask for a man to make you a priority.
Unfortunately, it may be too much to ask THIS MAN to make you a higher priority. Especially if he hasn't even bothered to make you more than his girlfriend.

This is just sad.

I'm sorry.



- Response by cd92835, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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I am in the SAME situation. My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years and he leaves me alone on Christmas day to spend it with his 18 year old daughter and ex wife. I permit it, because I know if he stays here with me and my three younger children he will be miserable and spoil our day. It doesn't make it any easier and I completely disagree that he does it. What are the options?.... having him home and ruining our day?
Not sure.

- Response by donnaridley, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Fitness

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