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My current common law husband doesn't not like my children. The only time he has any interaction wit
Family & Parenting / 8:34 PM - Thursday November 19, 2009

My current common law husband doesn't not like my children. The only time he has any interaction wit

My current common law husband doesn't not like my children. The only time he has any interaction with them, he is diciplining them. He tends to have a very firm approach to dicipline and fails to see the good in them. I tried to explain to him that he is always coming across as the bad guy, because this is all the kids see.
Also, to make the issue worse, he tends to place his own 18 year daughter (who doesn't live with us)on a pedestal. She can do no wrong in his eyes.
I constantly feel as though I have to defend my children when he is punishing them for something that should not even be an issue. I am constantly in the middle. I feel as though my feelings are NEVER a consideration to him.
I keep myself completely removed from his daughter and any issues that arise. I feel it is not my business. Many times I am tempted to voice my opinion, but out of respect to him I will not. I am then left feeling that he should have the same respect for me.
To make things worse, he has (for the past three years) gone to spend Christmas with his ex wife and daughter (over night). I feel it is time that he spends it here with me and my children, since he is a part of our household and daily life. Once again I'm left feeling as though he only wants to be a part of my kids life when they have done something bad (in his eyes), and doesn't want to share the good times. As much as I want him hear, if I insist he will be miserable thinking I am forcing him to be around when he'd rather not. He knows his daughter is more then welcome also. I don't believe he even gives her the option, and that he simply choses to be at her house (with her mother, his ex).

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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Send a hand written invitation to his ex wife and daughter to spend the holiday "overnight" with you and your family. Yeah, it's unconventional but it is a way of taking your power back. And claiming to keep silent when you know you husband is reacting poorly to issues in his life whether with your children or his biological child isn't respect...it's cowardly deference used to avoid conflict....or simply put conflict avoidant. But again it's not respect.
If your partner reads than it might behoove you both to read some books on shaping behavior. "Don't shoot the dog" is an excellent book. You will find other books on blended families that will suggest to him more effective means of disciplining. AND he is not the custodial parent of his daughter. Is it any small wonder that her mother may have shaped her with better results than HE would have?

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Rochester, Who Cares?

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Why are you still with hi,??? Don't your children deserve better if you think you don't. Get out of there NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Response by barbb, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I understand both sides. Maybe he doesn't like your kids and the fact they're not his is in the back of his mind. If he is discipling your children then you have the right to speak up about his daughter. I think that is horrible he stays with his ex-wife on such an important holiday. he should be with his currents family. I don't much like my husbands kid because he is horrible. (because of his mothers rules) My husband and I both discipline him together. talk to your spouse about it>

- Response by Female, 29-35, Pittsburgh, Fashion

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He may not even realize how badly he is behaving. As a mother, your first obligation is to protect your children. So you have to be their advocate and stand up for them. They have to know that they can rely on you when things are bad for them.

Therefore, be their advocate, and tell your guy that you are going to schedule some family counseling for him, you and your children. Tell him you want everyone to work together more harmoniously as a family unit. If he commits to going with you and shows a sincere willingness to work on the areas where he messes up - then give him a chance. If he refuses to go with you or goes and refuses to take it seriously - then you need to leave him.

BTW, if he does not agree to counseling - one thing to consider - perhaps the fact that he has not yet married you is a sign that he does not consider the relationship with you permanent, and therefore is unwilling to make the emotional commitment to your children. He considers them something he has to put up with in order to have access to you, but because he does not view you as the person he is going to adore and cherish for the rest of his life, he has not opened himself up to forming an attachment with your children.

RE. the Christmas thing - IF he is willing to develop an affectionate and real relationship with your children, I would cut him some slack on spending Christmas with his daughter and ex-wife. It's a pain, but you can compromise on that as long as he is willing to change his attitude and actions towards your children.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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OK... on the one hand, you may be so lenient with your children that they have become monsters. My husband's ex wife has an attitude toward parental discipline that is expressly designed to create a human who cannot function in normal, polite society, because he's been raised to think the world revolves around him and other people exist only to serve his whims. He's like that little boy in the Twilight Zone episode, who can make anything happen just by thinking about it, and has, consequently, enslaved all the adults in his life. Frankly, my dear, there's not much to like there, and if you are anything like my husband's ex wife, you have done your children a huge disservice by raising them to be people that no one but a mother could love.

On the other hand, there is no way in hell that my husband would be going off to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and daughter, leaving me on my own, children or no children. That's grounds for an immediate call to marriage counseling and possibly divorce. With their custodial arrangement, the daughter should be spending a Christmas with her mother (sans dad), and the following Christmas with her father/your husband and you and your children (sans mother).

My guess is that both of you are messing up big time. I would try to honestly evaluate your parenting philosophy to see if what you have done is created thoroughly unlikeable children, and work with him to build an actual family. You probably should use a marriage/family counselor to help with that.

- Response by pandorasfault, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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Your husband is having a hard time accepting the position of a part-time parent. Its very hard on him to be only allowed with his daughter part-time. Does this make it right? NO.. It just may help you understand better and find a calm way of handling the situation. No matter what, your husband needs to be in your home overnight, not his ex's. He needs to find away to share the holidays with his daughter without sharing them with his ex. He is obviously very torn with not having his daughter.
As for your children, be sure you are looking at the situation completely and not just as their mom. Is he really being hard on them, or are you being to easy? If looking from the outside he is being to hard, you need to sit him down and find the ground rules on what is expecting of your children.

Bottom line, if you cannot talk to him about all of this, you don't have a secure relationship.

- Response by seashiner, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Ok, there is some serious bullshit going on here, you really need to think long and hard about this guy because he doesn't seem to be a very good guy.

Who the hell is he to go off and spend christmas and the night with his ex wife when he is with you, what kind of prick does that? Thats a total worm move.

I'm gonna take a bet and say that he's even worse to your children than you've described.. You have to stand up to him, even if your scared it's so important. Let their dad know he needs to be involved theyre your kids for christ's sake.

Should you leave this guy, probably so. Beyond that you need to put him in his place. This is the kind of guy that I wish I could go door to door and find just so I could beat the living shit out of him.

- Response by dick, A Jock, Male, 26-28, Construction

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Please don't make the mistake of putting this man before your children. They will hate you for it when they get older. My husband's mother did this to him when he was young, and he has detested her ever since.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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hes not your husband if he hasnt signed anything! sorry drop him

- Response by bigcat, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Houston, Retail

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Sounds like "Small Sacrifies" unjustified disapling leads to adult criminalss or severe problems. I hope your kids can enjoy their Christmas with him at ex's.

I've always heard if a man loves a woman he loves her kids too. same far a woman and his kids. what a price the kids must be paying. they'll also be around when youre old and gray . and we always recall our childhoods. I hope their bio dad visits these kids.

- Response by dreamspinner, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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