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I wish I had a couple of good dating advisers when he was dating me. Then maybe he'd still be here.
Dating / 10:02 PM - Friday November 20, 2009

I wish I had a couple of good dating advisers when he was dating me. Then maybe he'd still be here.

I do blame myself. I realize that I made a small incident big that turned him off. I could've phrased something properly but didn't think it over. I realize there were warning signs and didn't ask what's going on or if something was bothering him.

We had a great valentines, he took me to dinner at a fancy place, I gave him a nice gift. He took me to the movies and paid for them. I treated him to a concert. I thought we had good conversations and got along well.

I was always available to him mainly because it was winter and I work from home, it was easy to be homey and not plan for much. But I do have my hobbies and interests, which he knows about.

One night, we were playing with my dog whom I called my boy and he asked me if he could be my boy too. I said yes. At that point, I thought, you know...3 months, did he just confirm he's my boyfriend? That made my night.

Two weeks later we had an incident. I should remember not to demand an answer. When he abruptly changed plans an hour before a date to go riding with his buddies, I should've said something instead of just 'okay'. When he apologized by text message next day, I should've called him to ask what happened instead replying to his text 'yes honey I was disappointed. call me when youre free, you have some explaining to do."

He posted on his myspace that he's divorcing his wife after that. I knew it was meant for me. He didn't call back. For 2 months. I didn't reach out to him either. Two stubborn people.

We met again after 2 months, he contacted and invited me to dinner. He wanted to apologize that time but I didn't let him. I didn't want to get emotional after not seeing him that I asked if we could just enjoy dinner and talk about it some other time. Wrong move again on my part. I should've let him speak his mind and just kept my chin up.

I should've said something when a coworker started coming on to him. I sensed it immediately as soon as I read her first post to him. But I didn't say anything, scared that he might think I'm a bitch or I'm crazy.

She's good. She knew how to time it, friends first, then little cute posts, support and encouraging words as coworkers. My words of praise fell on deaf ears.

Still I tried. For a month, he invited me out but no longer on a weekend. And he didn't invite me to the movies, just dinner. I took him to another show. But he didn't like it I think (he said he wanted to see it). When he finally did ask me to a Friday night date, we ended up sleeping together. When he said he was so happy after, I didn't know what to say, I blurted out, 'aww you're happy because we had sex.'

He offered to treat me to birthday dinner and forgot about it. And I stupidly didn't do anything when I should've called him to ask what's up when I didn't hear from him that night. I emailed him a few days later and he left me a voicemail apologizing that he was so busy with bowling and concerts but he issued no more invitations after that.

He started going out with his coworker and dropped me without any explanation. She's cool, a sport biker and wine enthusiast like him.

I emailed him a month after that his last voicemail, saying that I was glad to reconnect with him, wanted to take things slow and when he asked me for a date, I thought he wanted to date me again. But it went downhill from there and now, no communication so I have to bow out.

Wrong move again. I read you're not supposed to send the closure email. Two weeks after my closure email, he posted on myspace that he's super happy with his girlfriend as they attend banquets and parties and their coworkers are happy for them.

I'm not supposed to mourn someone who strung me along and couldn't even tell me things aren't working out anymore. But I am sad for this loss because I liked him already. I thought he was going to stick around. One part of me argues I wish I knew the right things to do so he would've stayed. The other part of me argues, his behavior wasn't crystal clear either.


- Asked by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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I used to date several great guys (quality guys), dinner, movie theater, coffee together. I was curious and its fun. But the downside is that you're exposing your self to pain and I wasn't that strong that time. Like you, I blamed myself endlessly and never-ending what ifs nagged in my mind for so long. I've read dating books. Yes I found out that there are rules which appears to me more like strategies on how to keep a man's attention. But bottomline, I know in my heart if I follow all those rules and could be able to keep a man's attention, its not something that would make me happy. Why?---cause it lacks authenticity. I've learned the basic lesson that most women can not recognize--"self-worth" . Women with grace, self worth and sensible would easily sense the red flags and should know by instinct and wit what she offers should equate what the "guy" she barely know has to offer.. NOTHING MORE nothing less.

- Response by winluvnsparkle, A Thinker, Female, 22-25, Medical / Dental

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First, he was still married when you two where "dating". Secondly, you started sounding like a "wife" which he was trying to get rid of. Thirdly, you then changed who you were because you weren't communicating with him properly and ultimately changed how you handled things.

He chose the co-worker because she was post-wife and it sounds like you were the "in-between" gal. Although he liked you and periodically asked you out to see if you were truly what he wanted, he ultimately chose to go with the uncomplicated gal who came post-wife and had no associate with that whole part of his life.

No sense in trying to figure it out. It's done and he's made his choice so it is time to move on and stop dwelling as HE ultimately made the choice, not you.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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When people are dating other opportunities come up that make people want to break previous plans. Some partners are very flexible in regards to things like sudden great weather and the ability of a partner to get together with his buds and take a ride...other partners are rather petty, petulant and self absorbed. If you take the later tact and it causes the relationship to falter and then when someone attempts to make amends you dismiss them and try to control the situation again they are going to give YOU walking papers and choose a more amendable, flexible, and generous partner. Everyone, married, single or otherwise always runs the risk that their partner will come across someone with more common interests who is a better mesh with them than you. And if you have any negative habits going on than that other person becomes pretty darn appealing. You lost at the end of the day when comparisons were made between you and this other woman. Time to learn the lessons, stop blaming him and then apply what you have learned to the next phase of your life.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Rochester, Who Cares?

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Sorry to hear this... and its a pity things doesnt work out. But can we put it this way, that u and him probably is not right for each other. From the way u describe, it sort of gives me an impression that both of u aren't very compatible... for instance ur occupation. And the context both of u r exposed to is very different. So, sometimes probably its not that u do the wrong things but simply because it doesnt blend. Of course u have some corrections to make, that u can take note of in ur next relationship. When u r trying to always do the right things, it turns out to be the opposite. Just relax.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 26-28, Auckland

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